On letting Cowell win

Last year, a large percentage of the population went out in their droves and bought the song "Killing in the Name" by Rage Against the Machine in the week before christmas. The result is that, despite its new release and market hype, the X-Factor winner didn't get to number 1 for christmas, as had happened for several years previously. RATM getting to number 1 for christmas was a triumph, not just for people who dislike the X-Factor, but also for those who remember the days when people actually cared who was number 1 in the charts; for the first time in years I actually sat listening to Radio 1 just before 7 on a Sunday to find out who had won. But everyone remembers it in their own way, and this is why the same thing won't happen this year, as I will explain.

So far this year, I've had numberous requests via Facebook, Twitter and email to buy songs to 'beat' the X-Factor. As early as last summer I was asked to buy something by System of a Down, and just recently I've been asked to buy 'The Bird is the Word', Motley Crue's 'Girls Girls Girls' and even a delightful ditty entitled 'Use My Arsehole as a Cunt'. I'm sure if the sales for all these songs were combined they'd easily beat X-Factor, but none of them can get to number 1 on their own because they just don't have the support of enough people. We're in the situation parodied beautifully in The Life of Brian, in which the various rebellious groups couldn't possibly beat the Romans because they were too busy squabbling among themselves.

I think the problem is that people don't realise why Killing in the Name actually won. The reason is that it had everything going for it. Hard rock and metal fans bought it because it was their chance to get a rock song to number 1 for a change. People with a childish sense of humour bought it because they wanted a song with repeated use of the word 'fuck' to get to number 1. Charitable people wanted it to get to number 1 because RATM are famous for their charity work, particularly in the area of human rights, and the band made it clear early on that they would give all profits from pre-christmas sales to Shelter, the charity for the homeless. Those of us who are sick and tired of the X-Factor being number 1 every bloody year bought it because it was a chance for something different to get to christmas number one, with the added benefit of being able to tell Cowell very clearly "fuck you, I won't do what you tell me".

The problem this year is that we don't have a song that ticks all the boxes. We now have metal fans suggesting we should buy System of a Down, the anti-X-Factor crowd suggesting we should buy Bird is the Word, the purile crowd suggesting we buy the expletive-laden song... there is no one song which, like Killing in the Name, unifies everyone's purpose. And it's for this reason that Simon Cowell's X-Factor whitewash will, once again, happen this year. Does someone care to write and record a song in time for next year? Preferably a catchy rock song, with subtle political or anti-corporation undertones and lots of swear words? Actually, fuck it, just buy 'Dinosaurs Will Die' by NOFX : )