Facts About Wickham

25th November 2005

In Southern England there is a very unique place known as Wickham. Not much is known about this remote little area, so we at Madhouse Beyond have decided to produce this list of little-known facts about Wickham.

The soil in Wickham has to be replaced every year because of high quality regulations.
The dodo population of Wickham outnumbers the feline population of the UK.
The official first language is Welsh.
GPS receivers do not work in Wickham or the surrounding area.
Wickham is the only place in the northern hemisphere where water goes down the plughole clockwise.
Watership Down was originally based in Wickham.
Elvis Presley is alive and living in Wickham.
Wickham has a land mass equalling that of the United States.
It is illegal for goats to wear feminine clothing in Wickham, regardless of the gender of the goat.
The Queen Mother was built in Wickham in 1900 and refused to go anywhere else for routine maintainance.
Every Wickham resident is issued with a Sinclair C5 at birth.
Blu-Tack was invented in Wickham.
Freddie Mercury composed Bohemian Rhapsody while staying with some friends in Wickham.
Wickham sinks one inch every seven and a half years.
Motor insurance is not compulsory in Wickham.
Wickham has all five of the standard UK terrestrial TV channels plus twelve more.
Microwave ovens are illegal in Wickham.
The most commonly asked for childrens' Christmas present last year in Wickham was a World War II Czekoslovakian service medal.
Wickham University has it's own qualification: the QSc.
Wickham has been voted "Nation most likely to take over the world" for twelve years running.
Wickham has it's own religion. This involves the daily worship of the spirit of Adge Cutler, who is rumored to reside in the local abattoir.
PVC is unheard of in Wickham with the exception of two young children who managed to get hold of a pair of black PVC trousers when they last had a summer holiday in Dorset.
Computer technology is scarce in Wickham, with the exception of one Commodore 64 in the town hall (nicknamed "Hal" by the locals) that may be booked by residents in one-hour slots. It is currently booked out until March 2033, due to an unforseen rush that arose when the council invested in a copy of "Fantasy World Dizzy".
The mayor of Wickham is a horse.
No hostile samurai have been reported in Wickham for over a month now.
Wickham has it's own public holiday, during which the residents celebrate the birth of Keith Chegwin by forming a naked conga line and dancing to a nearby town chosen at random by the town's oldest resident, which currently is General Sir Charles Newbury PhD.
The most heinous crime in Wickham's history was recorded in 1946 when a local teenager was accused of writing the word "fridge" in chalk on the side of a farmer's barn. He was hung, drawn and quartered after a highly controversial trial when it was discovered impossible to find 12 jury members who did not know the defendant.
Wickham dissappeared from the face of the earth for 9.27 seconds in 1962. Nobody claims to have any memory of the incident.
Television cameras are illegal in Wickham unless operated by a qualified exorcist.
"The Wombles" is set in Wickham, as are the underwater "Thunderbirds" and "Stingray" sequences.
Wickham's national anthem is "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".
The noise made by sheep in Wickham is "moo".
Wickham's flag is a picture of a rooster wearing dungarees and a safety pin through it's beak waving an inverted crucifix.
A pre-historic monster is rumored to live in the duck pond.
The UK branch of the Weekly World News is based in Wickham.
The entire crew of the Mary Celeste allegedly all live in Wickham under false identities.
As do Lord Lucan, Robert Maxwell and Richie James from the Manic Street Preachers.
Wickham was known as "Thwackville" until 1754.
Wickham residents believe that the ability to tapdance is hereditory.
The popular 80's TV series "Trap Door" was filmed entirely on location in Wickham.
Much as the Muslim call to prayer, the Wickhamians have their own version - the call to get up. At 7AM precisely, a farmer selected at the beginning of the week by a trained chicken stands atop the tallest tree in the village and yodels.
There is one phone line going in and out of Wickham, meaning that only one person can be on the phone to a neighbouring town at any one time.
The planting of turnips in Wickham is a crime punishable by death.
MI6 have, on many occasions, denied all knowledge of Wickham or it's existance
In Wickham, Ribena is listed as a class A narcotic.
The highest mountain in Wickham is only six and a half inches shorter than Everest.
Every sink in Wickham has a third tap in addition to the usual two.
Fred Durst bought his red hat in Wickham.
There is a small cave in Wickham known as 'Wickham Nook'. Nobody has ever come out of it alive.
No insects have been sighted in Wickham for over fifty years.
Certain scientific studies have suggested that time actually runs one second per year slower in Wickham than it does elsewhere. It's likely that this is the reason GPS receivers do not work.
Wickham's football team once won the world cup, beating Argentina in the final on penalties. The team consisted of three men and a goat.
Wickham used to be on the Isle of Wight, but the entire town was moved to the mainland around 89 CE as a good will gesture by the Romans.
Like the Great Wall of China, Wickham is clearly visible from the surface of the moon.
Wickham residents automatically have diplomatic immunity when travelling abroad.
Wickham Laboratory is renowned for its cloning experiments, and provides most of the un-natural animals required for science fiction and fantasy movies. Past achievements include Falkor, the luck dragon in the Neverending Story, Tocca and Razar in the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and the Balrog in Fellowship of the Ring.
Wickham has it's own DVD region - Region 9.
Wickham has two active volcanos. The last two eruptions were in 1997 and 2001, but, due to coverage of the death of Princess Diana and the World Trade Center attacks respectively, the news got buried.
Bigfoot has been sighted in the woods around Wickham at least five times in the past decade.
The tallest building in Wickham is almost completely underground.
Due to a typing error, local byelaws forbid the posession or use of rugs. Anyone caught in posession of a rug in Wickham can be punished by up to ten years in prison (twenty if evidence exists to suggest intent to supply)
Wickham was completely destroyed by a flash flood around 250 years ago. It has since been rebuilt from scratch and the new version is an exact replica of the original. Some archaeologists allege that this may not be the first time in the town's history that a complete rebuild has happened, but this cannot be proven due to a lack of real evidence.
The lowest recorded temperature in the coldest part of Wickham was recorded in the 1870s. The ambient temperature reached -272 degrees centigrade... one degree warmer than Absolute Zero.
Wickham's busiest motorway has no bends in it being, as it is, completely straight. Regardless, driving in the same direction for long enough will bring you back to where you started. This is not a unique phenomenon, nearby Winchester also has its own space warp.
Wickham, despite its large population and massive land mass, has only one postal code. This means that writing the house number, followed by the post code 'W' as the address ensures your letter will be delivered to the correct address. It is wise, however, to check the postage cost with the Post Office first - generally the post in Wickham is slightly more expensive than the rest of the UK. An additional 1p stamp alongside the normal first or second class stamp is normally required.
Residents of Wickham celebrate Christmas Eve on the 21st of December, rather than the 24th. Christmas Day is still the 25th.
Despite continual denials, Nik Kershaw's surreal 1984 top-five hit "The Riddle" is actually about Wickham.
10% of Wickham's rodent population are invisible.
Although Toru Iwatani got the idea for the Pac-Man character from a pizza restaurant, it's a lesser known fact that the whole "running around a maze being chased by ghosts" idea came from a particularly stressful holiday in Wickham six months later, in which Iwatani was allegedly chased aimlessly around the town streets by a gang of rampaging, torch-wielding locals. The 'ghost lair' in the centre of the maze represents Wickham Square, and the looping 'tunnel' at the side of the screen represents Wickham's endless motorway, along which Iwatani (eventually) made his miraculous escape.
Wickham's hospital closes at weekends, due to line dancing.
The original DeLorean from the Back to the Future movies is owned by John Darwin, a millionaire who lives on the outskirts of Wickham. It's in almost perfect shape, but the time travel function no longer works. Darwin occasionally drives it around Wickham Square.
Wickham has a mythical big cat, similar to the Beast of Bodmin Moor, although the Beast of Wickham lives in a flat above the greengrocers. He comes down occasionally to feed on the sheep of nearby villages then goes back to his flat and nobody sees him for months.
Fred Dineage lives in Wickham in an underground bunker, next to one of the active volcanos.
Several of Wickham's older residents are believed to be clinically dead, despite still being capable of basic bodily functions such as movement and speech. Some scientists believe that a rare chemical found in Wickham's water is to blame for this phenomenon. Test subjects exposed to Wickham's water on a long-term basis have been known to retain the outward appearance of being alive for up to two years after their heart stops beating.
Portsmouth's Spinnaker Tower is based on Flange Tower, a much larger monument that used to stand in Wickham Square. It was named after the effect the tower had on the sound of the wind. Unfortunately, Flange Tower disappeared in 1624 and nobody knows who took it.
Wickham on average is hit by four category 4 hurricanes per year.
Wickham actually has no gravity. The pressure due to the high density of the air keeps heavy objects on the ground.
Every pub in Wickham is haunted. The Goat's Head Inn once tried claiming that it wasn't, in order to stir up a bit of local trade, but this was rubbished by the locals and the landlord was eventually forced to admit his untruth.
Wickham is the home of the only surviving kangaroo farm in the British isles.
Ex-US President Bill Clinton was murdered during a diplomatic visit to Wickham in 1998. He was replaced with a clone (created in Wickham Labs at a cost of $15 billion US, funded unknowingly by US taxpayers), and the Monica Lewinsky scandal was invented and 'leaked' to the press in order to draw attention away from the fact. The clone discovered in 2004 that it is not the real Bill Clinton, and had to be replaced with another clone in order to keep the story under wraps. A third is on standby in case the second one ever gets wise.
Disappearing ink was invented (accidentally) in Wickham.
Wickham used to have its own stock exchange until it was bought for £1 (one Wickham pound, equal to 97p sterling) after shares in aggricultural machinery crashed in the late 70s. The crash is generally blamed on the release of "Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels causing the industry to "sell out".