The Apprentice

Last night while watching The Apprentice, I was trying to think of some tasks that Alan Sugar won't set the contestants, but probably should do in the interests of good telly...

• Today's task is to film and sell some hard core pornography.
• This week you'll be selling crack on the streets of Gosport. (credit to Crow for this one!)
• Today you're going to design a new kind of tree.
• This week's task is to form a religious or political extremist group and recruit followers, using threats if necessary.
• You're here at Gatwick. In a minute you'll all be boarding a flight to the arctic circle, where you'll be met by a representative for a global refrigerator distributon chain, a sled and a pack of huskies. Your task is to sell fridges to eskimos.
• For this task I'll be providing you with a theatre and a western lowland gorilla. Your task is to teach him how to tapdance.
• Your task is to buy as many Amstrad eM@ilers as you can afford. You won't win anything, I just need someone to buy these bloody things.